Tell me what you want

Remember when you were a baby? Your parents attended to all your needs. They fed you and changed your diapers. Dad held you in his strong arms; throwing you in the air and catching you while you bubbled with delight. At night they bathed you with deliciously warm water and tucked you in; staying a little by your cot; telling you stories and singing you lullabies till you drifted into gentle sleep. They basically met your physical, emotional and social needs without you doing much.

We love to be doted on like babies but our needs as adults are more complex

That was then, and even as adults there's nothing we love better than being doted on, but you cannot expect your spouse to figure out all your needs, or start screaming and crying like we did as children to attract attention and affection.

In the book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix shares a story of a man who thought his wife didn't love him. Yet she did everything to please him, including learning how to ski since hubby loved skiing. When the therapist asked that unhappy husband to tell his wife one specific thing she could do that would make him feel more loved, he retorted, "If she's been married to me for 25 years and still doesn't know what I want, then she just doesn't care about me!"

Obviously this man was still living in babyhood; expecting his wife to figure out all his needs like his mom did back then. He had forgotten that he was now an adult with more complex needs than when he was a child. His wife was not his mother; she had her own needs too that he had a duty to play in meeting. All he needed now was to tell his wife what pleases him and she would tell him what makes her happy and they would know how to satisfy one another.

We can save ourselves a whole lot by being straightforward; hemming and hawing does not help. Know what you want and ask for it. As the saying goes, "If you do not ask, the default answer will always be no."